So I decided to give us a new chance. Again. We never were in a fight as bad as the last one. Long silence on my end. But if you’re sinking you automatically call out for the person you love the most.
So the faith cometh by hearing…
Sit there and listen to each other. Tell each other everything that’s on your heart. That were the words that reached me the first.Tell him everything huh? But how if this guy does what he wants with your life? He doesn’t even tell you. He just makes decision saying things like “You just don’t see the big picture”. The big picture of what? What is this? A puzzle without the solution picture?
So we sat down, after circulating around each other for days. Ok. I circulated. I hate pouring my soul out. Even if it’s him. But tonight we sat down. Because the words won’t come out, I plugged my music in my ear and turned the volumen up. I turned my back to the main entrance and as I started to speak, there was this unpleasant feeling that there was someone behind.
So I asked him: “Please tell me. Is there somebody behind me? A mugger perhaps?”
“There is nobody behind you.”
“But I can feel something behind me.”
“But there ain’t nothing behind you.”
“Oh come on. Just tell me. You know I’m easily scared.”
“There is absolutely nothing behind you. Don’t you think I would tell you?”
“I don’t know. Ahh shoot.”
“Just trust me. Don’t turn around. Close your eyes and believe that I would fight for you if there was something behind you.”
“Close my eyes?”
I tried to calm myself. He was right. I was the one with the back to the entrance. He could see behind me perfectly.
Just breathe. He is right. He would tell you if there was something behind you. He would protect you. And mugger? Really? Breathe crazy girl.
But as much as I wanted I turned around. And again. And then I turned towards him and saw the disappointment in his face.
I closed my eyes again and turned my back from the entrance. I counted my breaths and again the feeling came. Overwhelmed me. But I wasn’t willing to see that expression on his face again.
It felt like there was someone behind me. Ready to kill me. Someone wandering around the house. Stairs up and stairs down.
“You don’t trust me.”
“What is there to try? We’re both here. And I’m just telling you, that there is nothing behind you although your body language is telling me that you’re scared to hell, you won’t ease up.”
“Believe you. Believe in you. Believe in what you’re saying. That you’ll fight for me. Just believe you.”
“I’m not the bad guy here.”
“Turn around. Open your eyes and see for yourself.”
“Open them now and see!”
And so I did. There was nothing there. Nothing in my house. Nothing behind me.
Idoit! You really think he wouldn’t tell you if there was some stranger behind you?
“And there is your problem!”
He stood up and left me alone.
Music was playing.
“I once was lost but now am found. Was blind but now I see.”
Save me. Find me. My whole body screamed. But no words came out. But somehow I knew. He knew.