Wow one month… yes that is not at all how I remembered it or even attended it to happen. It just happened. Out of laziness. Procrastination and stress. So much stress. So much drama. After work I am too tired to spend 20 minutes more on my desk to write. Even though there were so many moments with so many beautifzl thoughts and beautiful memories to share with my future self…to make her remind herself once more of the true Terror I felt the first two weeks beginning my internship, the horror I felt, when I first saw my new apartement. The uneasiness I had when it was about phoning People and arranging stuff for my little brother. Stress and drama.
There is no beginning to be honest and no end yet. I thought about my first posts after weeks and to just ignore the fact I wasn’t here for so long and continue business as if nothing ever happened. Ignore my own absence. And for days I told myself: ah you can do it tomorrow. But by tomorrow a new wave of Events have come over my life and I am Swimming right now. Swimming in uncertainty. Swimming in decisions I have to make, but somehow am not willing to do. Swimming in familiar conflicts and somehow everybody addressing me for the littlest shit (sorry) ever. I have to work, doesn’t have an impact anymore. They only know me working and studying. So they think. That is what defines me: work and school. I beg the differ. But on the other hand, it is okay. It is better than telling them the truth of what I really do. Sometimes anyway. I do not actually have to apologize to anyone besides me. Life happens. Too bad there is always something happening in mine. Too bad I am always busy. Maybe Mexico was better. The way I felt, the way I lived. But to be honest. It was a 10 months long procrastination of the problems waiting here for me.
My Laptop is still not fixed, so writing on it, is no fun. It is a bother actually. At work, well, here I am now, I don’t have any of my pictures and the program somehow is correcting my english, thinking it is german. All I see are red lines caring every word I write. But, the first step is done. Again. And the future holds all the cards.
Good thing is, I started reading again. And the last book I read totally deserves an individual comment. Thank God I don’t need pictures for that. See you soon…