#Time To Change

I have been absent. Much more than I ever intended to. Somehow it just happened. While I was thinking a lot of coming back and share my ideas, thoughts and just unleash my inner beasts in that moment, but somehow I got lost. I got lost hard. The second I took a step back into Germany… my life felt apart.

Let’s see: Frankfurt did not treat me well. From the living situations, my internship from the content side, the collegeas, the people. Frankfurt killed me. I felt bullied in the bank I was working in. My mentors never actually cared if I was there or not. Who I was as a person and what exactly I am about. The elderly one was passive racist or let’s say discriminating and when I tried to make the team leader see that, he tried hard to find all my faults and place it infront of me. Nobody took time to teach me anything. It is funny because in the beginning, even though my living situation was bad and horific, I fell in love with Frankfurt. But now I think I jsut fell in love with Germany as a system again. Nothing how things work etc… I decided to stay longer, only change my mind one month later. I know my certificate is going to be very bad and kind of heartbreaking. But it is what it is.

I found a new internship, trying to overwrite the bad experience in the last one. Now I am working at PwC as a three month intern. My first four days (tomorrow is the beginning of my second week, so…) were the complete opposite to my first week at KfW. i also love the job somehow. or let’s the outline of it. I love the traveling and being on the road for the most time. I love sleeping in hotels and just everything. My collegeas are very nice up until now and now it is up to me, to show that I am capable of doing something.

Why time to change? I struggled in Frankfurt beyond compare. I could feel energy leaving my body as the days gone by. My health was struggling. And for a long time I was tired of myself. I was tired of my shallow words and promises to myself to change. And then.. not do it. Somehow God was oversseing me…still…after all those years. So I got my current internship in Stuttgart, my annoying tenant wanted to move in with his girlfriend so I got my apartment back earlier than planned. So I went home. And the feeling I had just thinking about it, was the best I had in months. So I am home right now. Eventhough “home” has some disadvantages when it comes to location. it is too far away from the city, so grocery shopping and etc is kind of impossible for me to do efficietnly.

As soon as I was unpacking and doing my chores, getting used to home again and also cleaning like a mad person, because my two tenants obviously didn’t know how to clean. My shower was beginning to mold at the bottom of the curtains, my kitchen… just everything. Never ever am I going to rent out my apartement again. And if I do, I am going to make the tenant pay for the cleaning company after they move out!

So what did I change? Why am I changing? What am I changing (for)? First of all, I stopped smoking. My chest started hurting and I could not take it anymore and somehow I didn’t want to say: Ok let’s stop at this date. I just did, prayed to God first and smoked my last cigarette. And because it did not feel sincere to myself that I was going to stop, my last cigarette did not feel like the last one. The first days were a weekend, so I stayed in and did nothing. Just tried to ignore the urge of smoking or better say: Eat it up. Haha. Two weeks has gone by and I got weak three times. Two times in the beginning and once last week. Later was actually just about…nothing actually. I was in the company of smokers and I just missed doing it. So I asked for one. It was seriously disgusting!

At the end of my time in Frankfurt, I started drinking more than a glas water a day and changed it to 1,5 to 2,5 liters a day.

Another thing I changed was my eating habits. Well they were going to change anyways since I live out far fromt he city and I am broke… I need to cook for myself again (what I love). I implemented it also at the same time as me stoping to smoke. It was hard at first because my body was longing for soo much at the same time, but I somehow am doing it. I am eating breakfast everyday now, for starters. The real healthy way of eating will be done a little later in time, since right now I am not home that much and don’t have the mones to do it. But I am eating less than some days ago and already lost some weight. So I feel okay.

What I really want to accomplish the following days and weeks is: Start doing some Sport again. I know that when I get that “Go” from my body, I can get back to shape in no time.

That is for my personal change I try to stay on top on now is my debts. I want to get rid of it all. Little by little. So with the upcoming salary, I need to be very smart. I want to give my friends their money back and also the institutions. I am tired of getting those bills and nothing positive in the mail. The only negative thing is that my salary is arriving end of december/beginning of january.

Oh jeez…this was a long post. I do not even have a picture to go with it.

see you soon

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